war will end us

"UC Santa Barbara, Class of 2016!!!!! :-)"

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:37:00 -0600

That “:-)” is false. I’m having a hard time even seeing what I’m typing because my eyes are still swollen. I haven’t cried this much in a really long time.

I’m glad I’m going to UCSB, I really am. I know many people who dreamed of going to UCSB but failed to get in. I should be grateful. But for me, it was the other way around. UCSB was not my dream school. I didn’t have one, really. I just applied to UCs and Cal Poly SLO and NYU and that was it. I didn’t really care. Why did I even apply to NYU? Don’t even know. I hadn’t visited colleges before I applied. I just did it because I had to. I had no goal school or dream school or whatever. It seems like everyone else has (or had) a dream school since they were little children. But I haven’t.

But why am I unhappy about UCSB? Beautiful campus, good academics, good social life, the beach… well, I don’t think people understand me when I say “I hate SoCal.” When I say that, I mean it. I. Fucking. Hate. SoCal. Or maybe it isn’t really much of ‘hate’ but I’m afraid. For one, I don’t do well in the sun. Mild sun allergy (and it isn’t fucking funny!) Two, the atmosphere in southern California gives me bloody noses. Whenever I go down to LA, I get a bloody nose. I didn’t get a bloody nose when I visited Santa Barbara but who knows? But those “problems” of mine aside (maybe I just get bloody noses in stress) I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of living 6 hours away from home. My sister went to Berkeley and was always very close to home and it just seems the norm to me. I’m so afraid of not being able to see my parents whenever I want. I hate to admit it but I’m a weak person and I’m so afraid of not being around my family. I get homesick so quickly that even thinking about being away from home for more than a week makes me cry.

Besides being away from my family, another factor to my tears from last night was him. I’ve finally realised that I only have a few months left until it’s over. Every Sunday, I go crazy because I don’t see him. And that’s going to be a permanent feeling once we graduate. Slowly, I come to the realisation that I don’t want to graduate. It’s not that I don’t want to leave this school, because trust me, I do. But I don’t want to be separated from my friends. And now I’m crying again.

I fucking hate growing up.

and now I’m thinking… did this post even make sense?? No, it didn’t. My feelings are complex. I don’t even know. I feel extremely sad and hope that nobody bothers me for the next week or so. Maybe it’s because I’m on my period. I don’t know. But I hope I don’t have swollen eyes tomorrow.

I guess I am a really heartless person but Every 15 Minutes made no impact on me whatsoever....

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 17:53:00 -0600

I guess I am a really heartless person but Every 15 Minutes made no impact on me whatsoever. Everyone around me was sniffling and crying and talking about how sad it was and all I could think was…. didn’t you already know that??? Didn’t you already know that drinking and driving could cause that? Also knowing that one of the people participating in it had parents who bought him/her alcohol willingly to let him/her throw parties… I couldn’t feel sad. Or cry. Or even feel like I had a heart. All the people who drink have already made their minds up about drinking. They all know the consequences of drinking. How is this “an eye-opener”?

I can’t even talk about my opinions on Every 15 Minutes because it usually offends people. I’m not saying that it’s a pointless thing because it’s definitely positively promoting safe choices but I don’t understand some people. They are overly dramatic about this thing, vowing to never drink again, etc. only to have photos with beer cans up on the internet within a week.

maybe I’m just a cold mean bitch but it was a waste of MY fucking time (again, maybe not everyone’s) and I dread tomorrow’s 1 hour+ movie…….. sigh

and soon enough we just won’t care who sees

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:18:19 -0600

and soon enough we just won’t care who sees

I WANT PAVLOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA wish I could go back to when i was 6 hahaha

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 23:20:10 -0600

I WANT PAVLOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

wish I could go back to when i was 6 hahaha

I wish I could express my feelings better. It’s so hard for me to show someone that I like...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:51:33 -0600

I wish I could express my feelings better. It’s so hard for me to show someone that I like him/her and that I care for him/her. It sucks so much to see someone I care for so much going through something so difficult. Yesterday on the phone I couldn’t even say any words to make you feel better and I woke up this morning crying for you and for her.

Yesterday I took a survey for my friend’s psychology class and one of the questions was: “Have you ever told a friend you loved him/her and meant it?” and I was the only person out of the survey who answered “no.” Am I really that… heartless? I believe love to be a really strong word and I do often tell my friends “I love you!” but do I really mean it? I do care for my friends a whole lot and would do many things for them, but so far the only people who have my love are my family members. Does that make me some cold-hearted person? Because that’s not how I want to be. I just speak the truth. Another question on the survey was “Have you ever had a best friend for more than five years?” And my answer was “no.” Again, the only person who answered “no.” Maybe that’s why I haven’t meant it when I told my friends I love them.

Photo

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:56:41 -0600

“Oh baby I love your way, everydayWanna tell you I love your way, everydayWanna be with you...

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 22:24:00 -0600

“Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day”

Photo

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 22:21:14 -0600

my dreams really frighten me

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 21:39:04 -0600

how do I go from happy to sad so quickly?? :-(

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 21:38:39 -0600

how do I go from happy to sad so quickly?? :-(

I applaud the penis of our school

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 19:02:46 -0600

prank well done

I keep doubting every good thing that happens to me :-( I hate the future

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 23:07:14 -0600

I keep doubting every good thing that happens to me :-( I hate the future

dear idiots,

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 21:38:58 -0600

Yes, yes I do reblog photos of Hitler because I am a Nazi. Yes, you are totally correct and totally intelligent. I am an Asian teenager who is a neo-Nazi.

Sigh…

I’m certain the same idiots cannot sense the sarcasm.

I find myself thinking about you and then I realise I’m smiling.. genuinely smiling, too,...

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 21:55:27 -0600

I find myself thinking about you and then I realise I’m smiling.. genuinely smiling, too, which I apparently don’t do much. Then I smile even more when I remember how you tell me you do the same, too.

Photo

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 21:54:38 -0600

day 1

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:29:29 -0600

Very successful. For breakfast I made my own vegan pancakes and ate them with berries. I took a plain pancake to school (it was good okay……..) and ate an apple for lunch. When I got home I ate a vegan burrito! Which was super duper delicious and I’m really thankful for the internet hahaha and the search bar for recipes. My mother liked it too! Then tonight I baked some vegan choco chip cookies. I had to make sure I read every single ingredient in the chocolate chips to make sure there wasn’t any milk products in it. It wasn’t milk chocolate though so yeah. And oooooooooooommmmmg so if you know me…you know that I burn practically everything I bake. To be fair, I burnt a bit of the bottoms of the cookies but THESE ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS THINGS EVER!!!!

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Pledged veganism for 30 days with the PETA

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:01:00 -0600

This is something I’ve wanted to do for such a long time. Being just a vegetarian isn’t enough. I’ve read more than enough about the cruel treatment of animals and animal cruelty is just one thing I cannot stand for. If my small contribution can help make greater things in the world, then so be it. I think this is a good time to do this, too, because I don’t feel good about myself spiritually (that sounds so stupid) and mentally and changing my diet and knowing that I’m helping to save lives will improve my worth.

Photo

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:31:42 -0600

Can someone just fall in love with me.

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:31:01 -0600

you know that moment

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:30:32 -0600

when you fucking hate everyone… except your family….. and all you want to do is cuddle up in your bed and never leave your room except to eat loads of food with your mum and dad and sister

Seriously fuck everyone else right now.