“UC Santa Barbara, Class of 2016!!!!! :-)”

That “:-)” is false. I’m having a hard time even seeing what I’m typing because my eyes are still swollen. I haven’t cried this much in a really long time.

I’m glad I’m going to UCSB, I really am. I know many people who dreamed of going to UCSB but failed to get in. I should be grateful. But for me, it was the other way around. UCSB was not my dream school. I didn’t have one, really. I just applied to UCs and Cal Poly SLO and NYU and that was it. I didn’t really care. Why did I even apply to NYU? Don’t even know. I hadn’t visited colleges before I applied. I just did it because I had to. I had no goal school or dream school or whatever. It seems like everyone else has (or had) a dream school since they were little children. But I haven’t. 

But why am I unhappy about UCSB? Beautiful campus, good academics, good social life, the beach… well, I don’t think people understand me when I say “I hate SoCal.” When I say that, I mean it. I. Fucking. Hate. SoCal. Or maybe it isn’t really much of ‘hate’ but I’m afraid. For one, I don’t do well in the sun. Mild sun allergy (and it isn’t fucking funny!) Two, the atmosphere in southern California gives me bloody noses. Whenever I go down to LA, I get a bloody nose. I didn’t get a bloody nose when I visited Santa Barbara but who knows? But those “problems” of mine aside (maybe I just get bloody noses in stress) I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of living 6 hours away from home. My sister went to Berkeley and was always very close to home and it just seems the norm to me. I’m so afraid of not being able to see my parents whenever I want. I hate to admit it but I’m a weak person and I’m so afraid of not being around my family. I get homesick so quickly that even thinking about being away from home for more than a week makes me cry.

Besides being away from my family, another factor to my tears from last night was him. I’ve finally realised that I only have a few months left until it’s over. Every Sunday, I go crazy because I don’t see him. And that’s going to be a permanent feeling once we graduate. Slowly, I come to the realisation that I don’t want to graduate. It’s not that I don’t want to leave this school, because trust me, I do. But I don’t want to be separated from my friends. And now I’m crying again.

I fucking hate growing up.

and now I’m thinking… did this post even make sense?? No, it didn’t. My feelings are complex. I don’t even know. I feel extremely sad and hope that nobody bothers me for the next week or so. Maybe it’s because I’m on my period. I don’t know. But I hope I don’t have swollen eyes tomorrow.